Understanding how to support a grieving loved one can be tricky. Trying to navigate how to treat such a delicate situation can be worrying for not only your loved one but you as well. Not knowing how they may cope can play on your mind and you can often feel helpless. Whether your loved one is a relative, partner, friend or co-worker – knowing how to approach them or start a conversation can be extremely difficult. Just know you are not alone. On average 3 million people in the UK are left bereaved per year.
Unfortunately, grief isn’t something we can fix. When someone we love is upset we naturally want to try to ‘fix’ it, reality is that this is impossible when it comes to grief. However, providing comfort during this time is important in the journey that is grief.
Understand Grief Is A Personal Journey
Grieving looks different for everyone. It is not a process that does not move linear. Your loved one may have extreme emotions that come and go in waves, or they could appear shut off from the world or both! They could even appear ‘normal’. The way people deal with loss is unpredictable and individual to the person.
You must approach conversations with empathy and compassion. You also need to be patient. People often can be snappy when they are experiencing grief, try not to take it personally.
Be Present
When your loved one initially experiences the loss, ensure you get in contact straight away. Whether you pick up the phone for a text or a call or drop by in person. Even if they do not respond right away they will be grateful to know that they have your support. Listen to what they have to say without passing judgement, what’s often needed is someone to listen but not to create conversation about the matter. Talking about happy memories with the person they have lost and discussing stories about their life can help. Often this is avoided as people tend to worry about what to say and what not to say.
Be Practical
Offer practical help as well as someone to mentally lean on. They are most likely overwhelmed and may struggle with general day to day tasks. Therefore, offering to help with household jobs, running errands and meal prepping can go a long way. This may not be the case for everyone though as some people find comfort in completing these tasks to ‘take their mind off things’. Sometimes the smallest of gestures make the biggest impact.
Consistency
Staying consistent is crucial as grief can last a very long time. Make sure you check in with the person not just at the early stages of bereavement but the whole way through.
Self-care
Take time to take care of yourself also. When you are supporting someone going through grief it can be taxing on your energy and mental health too. If you yourself are emotionally drained, trying to be there for someone else in the long term will not be sustainable.
Things to avoid saying or doing when supporting a grieving loved one –
- Talking about your own experiences to try to empathise, just listen instead.
- Comparing experiences.
- Giving unsolicited advice about how they should grieve.
- Posting pictures of the passed relatives and tagging your loved one. They could end up seeing it at work and could catch them off guard. Instead ask them if they would like to see the picture and send it to them privately to view in their own time.
- Don’t make assumptions, for example: ‘you look so well!’, ‘you are so strong’. This can put pressure on them to hide if they aren’t well and to keep up with the assumptions.
Although it is best to avoid saying or doing these, do not let the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing stop you from reaching out to your loved one. At the end of the day you know and love them, you will be able to take the lead with how you get through to them during this time.
Try Instead –
- Saying ‘I am here for you with this pain, no matter how bad it gets’.
- Offering a space for them to talk.
- Recognise how hard it is.
- Ask if they need anything.
How to comfort a child who is grieving
Trying to navigate grief as an adult is difficult let alone being a child. Children express grief by mimicking the adults around them. You may think this means you should act like the bereavement never happened by acting normal however this will mean the child supresses their emotions. Children need honesty and stability during a loss. Shielding them from the death can be negative as children often pick up on more than you realise.
Demonstrate that it is okay to be sad or angry. If you are open with the child, they will reciprocate this. If the child is more closed off, look at their drawings/games/ stories that they create this can have clues to what they are truly thinking. Helping them to find ways to celebrate the persons passing by creating memory boxes or artwork can be a positive way to cope. Never force a child to publicly mourn if they do not want to, however if they want to attend the funeral then age dependant, consider helping them attend and supporting them through this.
5 stages of grief
According to Elisabeth Kubler- Ross there are 5 stages of grief. Based on her studies on patients that have terminal illness. Nowadays, people can associate the ‘5 stages of grief’ with not only death but also breakups or losses.
When supporting a loved one through the process of grief it is important to consider the 5 stages of grief.
The five stages of grief are the following:
1 Denial – not believing it
2 Anger – trying to find someone to blame
3 Bargaining – It will bring them back if I do this …
4 Depression – It becomes real to you and sadness plays a huge part.
5 Acceptance – Feeling at peace, feeling able to carry on.
However, you do not need to go through each stage to heal. Everyone experiences grief differently there is no archetype or order. Kubler – Ross stated the following in regards to the stages of grief : “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.” Keep this in mind when offering a shoulder to cry on for your loved one. It is also important to bear in mind that along with anything that is mentally taxing, physical symptoms often follow as a result.
Some of the physical symptoms of grief include:
-fatigue
-nausea
-lowered immunity
-changes in weight or appetite
-body aches
-issues with sleep and energy.
If you or a loved one is suffering grief and you think they are coping in an unhealthy way. Please get in contact with the below:
Cruse Bereavement Care at 0808 808 1677
https://www.bereavementadvice.org/ – 0800 634 9494
Find a GriefShare group meeting near you – Worldwide directory of support groups for people grieving the death of a family member or friend. (GriefShare)
If you are feeling suicidal, please call the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90.
Contact the team today if you feel there is any specific topics you would be interested in hearing about https://www.jamesgilesandsonsltd.co.uk/#contact
